Welcome, God.

I am writing my journal this week on my experience with Elder Ballard’s talk, “The Joy of Hope Fulfilled.” The main point that I received from this talk was that the Lord is in control. Elder Ballard quoted Doctrine and Covenants 6:43, which reads, “Fear not little flock. Do good. Look unto God in every thought.”

God has always been an essential part of my home, family, and life in general. I grew up in the gospel and I don’t think a day has gone by when I haven’t communicated with God in at least one blessing of the food with my family. However, in the last few weeks, I have found myself coming closer and closer to this admonishment in my own personal life. I now cherish my relationship with God because I depend on it. He gets me through the hard days and listens no matter what.

One of my dear friends has a habit of praying before every single meal, even at restaurants or in a noisy food court. He doesn’t do it to show off righteousness, it is always very subtle and humble. Recently, I pointed this out to him and said that I really admired that habit (it is one that I could definitely improve on). He told me about a scripture that he came across while on his mission. It is 2 Nephi 32:8 which reads, "For if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray."

In a roundabout way, this scripture shows the power that can be drawn from having the Lord in our every thought. The Lord is in control and he is aware of me individually. Jesus Christ has atoned for me and His sacrifice gives me peace, comfort, and refuge. The least I can do in return is to let Him into my life and “look unto Him in every thought.”

Do you ever just delight in the gospel?

On Thursday this week, we discussed a passage in 2 Nephi 11:4-6. It reads:

“4 Behold, my soul delighteth in proving unto my people the truth of the coming of Christ; for, for this end hath the law of Moses been given; and all things which have been given of God from the beginning of the world, unto man, are the typifying of him.

 5 And also my soul delighteth in the covenants of the Lord which he hath made to our fathers; yea, my soul delighteth in his grace, and in his justice, and power, and mercy in the great and eternal plan of deliverance from death.

6 And my soul delighteth in proving unto my people that save Christ should come all men must perish.”

We were asked the rhetorical question- do you ever just delight in the gospel? For my journal this week, I want to answer that question with a resounding “Yes!” I delight in the coming of Christ. I delight in knowing that soon I will be able to make more covenants with the Lord in His holy temple. I delight in the grace of the Savior and in His Atonement. I delight in my testimony:

I delight in the Atonement. I know that it can be drawn upon not only for repentance from sin, but for relief from pain, for comfort, for understanding, and much more. I love my Savior Jesus Christ and am only beginning to know and understand Him in my life. I am nowhere close to perfect, but through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I can draw closer to Jesus and become more like Him. I strive to emulate His countenance each day.

I delight in my family. They are essential to my happiness. I spend quality time with my family whenever possible, and I believe that by living righteously according to the commandments of God, I can be with them forever, into the eternities.I  know that families are central to Heavenly Father's plan of Salvation and I can't wait to create my own. I delight in my aspiration to be a mother in Israel, and I also hope to rear my children in the teachings of the Church. 

I have a strong testimony of the Word of Wisdom and the gift of our physical bodies. I know that my body is a gift and that I must treat it as a temple of God. Because that's exactly what it is! I have a testimony of temples, and I have no stronger desire than to go to the temple for myself to learn more about God's plan and make lasting covenants with Him. I have an intense testimony of Priesthood power. I know that it is truly the power of God and I am so thankful for men who exercise it worthily.

I delight in the opportunity I had this weekend to review my patriarchal blessing and listen to prophets speak in General Conference. I have a testimony of personal revelation. I know that everyone is entitled to receive their own personal revelation and I have experienced that connection with heaven for myself. I also know that we are led by true and living prophets who receive divine revelations that speak to me directly, and the Church as a whole.

I have a testimony of the Book of Mormon that grows each time I read.  I know it comes from God because it gives me peace and happiness and wonder when I study it. I have felt the spirit of the Restoration in the Sacred Grove and I know and love Joseph Smith. This is just a small inkling of my testimony, but these things I share in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Am I merely a player?

A few days ago in class, we discussed the principle the Elder Bednar taught in a conference address and that Nephi taught in the second chapter of the second book of Nephi: To act, or be acted upon. “To act” is to take initiative and be proactive. It leads to happiness and effectiveness. The difference between being proactive and simply being acted upon is the use of the gift of agency. We are free to choose a) liberty, freedom, and eternal life or b) captivity and death, as taught in the scriptures. There are four essential ingredients that make our choices a matter of agency (like choosing between Sprite and beer, rather than just choosing Sprite or 7-Up). They are:

1. Knowledge of good and evil.

2. Opposition.

3. Law

4. Having the power to choose

I have had many experiences in my life that exhibit the difference between “acting” and being “acted upon.” Most recently is the adjustment into college life. I know from a couple of rough days that if I let myself simply be “acted upon” and not make conscious choices about how I spend my time, I quickly run out of time and find myself stressed and flustered. It is essential for me to make checklists and choices every day in order to fit in all of the necessary things. Relating to the analogy we’ve all heard before- as long as I fit the essential pebbles in my jar first, it is easy to fit the fun sand in between the cracks. I am learning this more and more each day. Some of the choices I make don’t seem to have eternal consequence, but I know that each decision will either benefit or harm my character, and as I strive to choose the things that Jesus would, I can come close to God.

I should really start doing family history work.

This week, we were asked to read an address given by President Uchtdorf in July at a city-wide celebration for the Ogden Temple dedication. He said, “Our pioneer ancestors will be most pleased if you learn something from their sacrifice, and if it makes a difference to you and your children.” He used the hymn “Come, Come Ye Saints” as a point of reference for his talk. Pioneers sang the words, “All is well.” Actually, all was not well, but their happiness was not based on outward circumstances. The pioneers learned to have faith and trust in God. The best way that I can show my gratitude to my pioneer ancestors is by incorporating faithfulness, compassion, love, industry, optimism, and joy into my own life.

I have had many opportunities to learn about my pioneer ancestors. I was lucky enough to attend trek twice- once when I was fourteen, and most recently, this summer. The experiences that I had while re-enacting what the pioneers went through have shaped the person I am today. It gave me a reason to research my own ancestors, and when I learned about the specific things they went through, I felt a connection to them. From this connection, I feel a stronger desire to find my ancestors through FamilySearch and do their temple work. When I have family names to take to the temple, my experience is so much more meaningful and it makes me excited to go through and take out my own endowments. So, you see, learning about my family ties makes them happy, makes me happy, and will benefit my future family for eternities to come.

Rise and shout, this Cougar is out.

College life is up and running. Bekah sometimes gets up and goes running. We are still figuring this whole thing out. Wish us the best, and hope to hear more soon, because that will mean that we are surviving.

Again, I love writing to real people instead of the zero virtual eyes who read this blog. So again, here is an update in the form of a missionary letter:

My roommates are fabulous. They are all very nice and easy to live with. We don't have a lot of organization, like chore charts and dinner assignments, because it just gets done anyway. Everyone picks up after themselves, makes sure that no one needs the bathroom before we shower, vacuums twice a week. It's perfect. Bekah is the best roommate I could ever ask for. She is such a blessing in my life and I am very grateful to have her!

School is a grind. I love it. But I hate it. But it's amazing. But it's killing me. I am taking 14 credit hours and I am on campus at work and studying and in lectures from 8:00am to 6:00pm every day. My classes are all very interesting and I like attending lectures and lab hours, but the homework is death. Hours upon hours upon hours of just READING. So it's like, what do I study? What should I know for the exam? Who knows, so I just feel like I need to know all of it. Most of my teachers are great though.

Work is going well. I am working in the admissions office, and learning so much about what students go through in order to come to BYU. And it makes me even more grateful for the opportunity I have to be here, at little to no cost, studying with the best of the best. So even though school is hard and homework is annoying, I love it. And I feel extremely blessed for the circumstances I find myself in.

Our YSA ward is great. We have ward prayer every Sunday night, FHE on Mondays with 2 other apartments, and lots of intramurals. I am playing on an Ultimate Frisbee team and it is so fun. We're pretty good, too! I also have the opportunity/curse to be very involved with the ward, because I have been called to be the Relief Society President. I love it, but I just feel a little inadequate and a little bit wondering, "Why me? Why me, when I am stressing out to keep my scholarship and take lots of credit hours and work every day?" I am striving to have a better attitude and embrace the calling. It is extremely busy. And stressful. And emotionally draining.  

And rewarding. And beautiful. To be able to get to know the sisters in my ward on such a personal basis, and be provided with tangible opportunities to serve every day is amazing. I am grateful for those things. And I just pray that I can find time in my busy days to magnify this calling and do the best that I can. Also, I'm getting really good at delegating.  

Speaking of church, there's been a lot of it. In the last week, I have attended about fourteen hours of church meetings. Also in the last week, I have listened to four Apostles speak live. President Eyring, Elder Nelson, Elder Scott, and Elder Christofferson have given messages at the Inauguration, Regional Conference, and our Tuesday devotional. I feel so blessed to not only be earning a secular education here at BYU, but to have so many testimony building experiences available to me. I am inspired by so many people here. My testimony has grown so much. It's really different going to church without parents and YW leaders expecting me to be there. It's also really different having sacrament meeting in a YSA ward because it is absolutely silent. It's kind of eerie to not hear crying babies and complaining children while the Priesthood is passing the bread and water. I love it. Taking the Sacrament has been a completely different experience for me these last couple of weeks, and it's amazing what a difference that reverence makes. 

I have gone on quite a few dates already. Some with an RM from my grandma and grandpa's mission in Australia. He is clearly very interested and I am befuddled with how to tell him that I am clearly not interested at all. He is a nice person, though.  

The others have been with AH. Do you know him at all? I guess you could say we're dating. Wha?! It has all happened so fast, but I feel really wonderful about it. From the moment we met, I feel like there was this inherent trust where I could tell him anything without fear of judgement or "you're weird" and he was listening, and did the same. We have continued to spend a lot of time together- studying on campus, lunch dates, tennis, watching football at his apartment, jam sessions, walks around the block, night hikes up the canyon, four-wheeling at his cabin, football games, phone calls every night, just everything!  

He served his mission in North Carolina and got home a year ago in October. So even though he is three years older than me, he's only one semester ahead of me in school. I have found out pretty quickly that in college, age doesn't matter. He is almost 22. Which is a little bit freaky, if you think about it that way, but honestly, we're both just people and we're both just in college and figuring out what to do with our lives and like spending time together and I trust him and he is so fun and handsome and so it is all just really pretty great. Plus, I am almost 19, and that's pretty old too. 

I have found lots of time to play tennis. I love playing on the BYU courts, and I think of you every time I do! BYU had a match against USU this week, but unfortunately I couldn't go. Instead I went to a movie showing for my American Heritage class. 

I can't think of any other major updates. Hopefully you made it though that novel. I'm sure I would also have a lot more questions for you if I knew what was going on! Does your mom send out general updates?

...But the thing I have discovered with writing missionaries (and please tell me if this is true for you) is that they don't care much for questions about the mission, because they live and experience that every day. So as exciting as it is, it's not that exciting for all of your emails/letters to be focused on the mission.  

If I were a missionary, I would like to feel as if I had real connections at home that were telling me what was actually going on, instead of censoring for what missionaries are "supposed" to think about, etc. I mean, you are still a human being with family and friends and a life. Your focus is on the Lord for these two years, but on P days you get a little taste of home again. Please let me know if you'd like me to omit any details such as dating (because that is totally taboo for some missionaries) or something else like that. My main mission is to let you know that I support you! Now, I have successfully made this even more of a novel.  

I love you! I pray for you often. I hope Spanish is coming more naturally for you every single day. I have learned so many things about myself in these three short weeks of school, so far. I am grateful for eye-opening experiences. This college thing is so hard, but it is so worth it. And I'm positive that your mission is the same way. What have you learned about yourself in these last few weeks? 

Have a wonderful week. Be safe and good and trust in the Lord. That is what I have learned most of all during this short time. Sometimes I feel alone here at school, and need to remember to trust in the Lord. He is always with me. And He is always with you. Just turn to Him and include Him in all of your decisions. I'm sure you know that better than I do, but a reminder like that never hurts.  

Love, Nena

Avoiding the murmur trap.

Despite having grown up in the same household, same environment, and same time period, there are many things that make Nephi stand apart from his older brothers. In our reading for September 9 (1 Nephi 1-6), I learned about the differences between Nephi and Samuel versus Laman and Lemuel. In class we discussed “filters.” How do I see my life around me?

I have been learning this week especially, as I come in contact with many new people each day, that my filter is unique. I walk down the path from my apartment to campus, and see others walking in the same direction, perhaps even to the same class. I am often preoccupied with my own thoughts. However, I have been trying to be more altruistic this week and consider what others may be seeing through their filters.

Some people may obey because they are afraid of punishment. Some people may obey because it is socially acceptable. Nephi obeyed because he knew God. I strive to be like Nephi in this sense, and make choices based on my testimony, rather than making choices based on what others think of me. In this transition period, it has been interesting to see others make choices without the guidance and encouragement of their parents, and to ponder how I am making those choices. It would be easy to stay out late each night or forego scripture study and prayer. However, I find comfort in the routines that I have grown up with and feel peace when I choose to come closer to God.

In class, we discussed “the murmur trap.” The things that Laman and Lemuel complained about were almost always true. But so what? The problem isn’t the events, but the filter in which we see the events. My goal is to be like Nephi more often, and view my trials and hard experiences as opportunities to learn and grow.

Safety for the Soul

Elder Holland—October 2009

One of the worst large-scale calamities is the enemy of truth. Satan is all around us, at all times. He specifically targets that which he does not have- a body. He also targets the Book of Mormon, because it has brought forth the fullness and restoration of the gospel. The Book of Mormon has been attacked and denied for 179 years, and still it stands true. No amount of research can add up to disprove the Book of Mormon, because there is no other answer. The fullest measure of faith comes through embracing the divinity of the Book of Mormon. I hope that by the end of this class, I will have developed a greater testimony of the Book of Mormon. I believe in its truthfulness, and through that I have a testimony of Joseph Smith, of Jesus Christ, and of the reality of the Second Coming. Now, I just want a better understanding of the teachings and principles that are scattered throughout this great book. Hopefully as I learn more about how I can apply those principles in my life, I will be better prepared to be a missionary, to be a wife and mother, and to face my Savior in the Second Coming. It’s great to read the Book of Mormon; I’ve done that since I was young. But this semester, I want to learn how to truly study and apply the Book of Mormon. I want to live it. And by doing so, I can create “a safety for my soul.”

"Insurance"

My name is Nena and I am eighteen years old. I am an avid tennis player and a semi-professional sleeper. I wish I could say that I like running, but I have tried and failed too many times to feel honest about that tidbit. I like to eat cookies and spinach and milk, not necessarily together. Born and raised in Davis County UT—surrounded by immediate and extended family—I don’t consider myself extremely cultured. I am perfectly at ease with that realization.

 As the oldest daughter of eight children, I do however consider myself well versed in Disney songs and SpongeBob episodes. Let’s begin with the youngest—Gabriel—who is eleven months old. His jowls are reminiscent of Elder Holland’s, which is a good thing because he is clearly an amazing man. Jack is three and Anna is eight going on fifteen. They are the beautiful ones of the family and they know it. Ashlei is the tender age of ten, and she enjoys waking up in the early morning to read less-than-noteworthy literature before school. Grace began high school this year, and I am quite jealous that she gets to play on the tennis team. Jens is a junior, sixteen years old, and a total lady slayer. My oldest brother—Max—is twenty and currently serving a mission in Mexico City. My parents met in high school, dated, went to Hawaii and Canada for school and a mission, got engaged ten days after my dad returned home, and the rest is history. We are a happy family!

We are a happy family. My home truly is my favorite place to be. As excited as I am for school here at BYU, it is difficult to know that Gabe is cutting teeth and Jack is starting preschool and Anna is breaking hearts and Ash is growing up and Grace is finding her niche and Jens is dating girls without my approval, all while I am gone. At least Max is still on his mission so I’m not the only one away. It has been a transition to say the least: living with one really clean, really quiet, really wonderful person as opposed to nine really messy, really loud, really wonderful people. I love it.

I am unequivocally grateful for the opportunity that is mine to continue my education here at BYU. Already, I am being pulled from every direction. My classes are rigorous and time-consuming. My job is not so rigorous, but equally time-consuming. My calling is insanely rigorous and very time-consuming. Yet, simultaneously I feel immense joy from the service and education and love and patience and people-skills and humility that come with these duties. So with the help of a day-planner and the comforting influence of the Holy Spirit, I know that I can do this.

            You may think I am your typical Mormon: born into the covenant, baptized at age eight, gone to church with my large family for my whole entire life. While all of those statements are true, I am not your typical Mormon. How can something that is so personal and sacred to me be merely typical? I digress. My testimony is not ordinary, nor is it complete. My goal this year is to continue to develop a working, trusting relationship with Heavenly Father. That is my desire, and it is also a necessity. I love my Savior Jesus Christ and am only beginning to know and understand Him in my life. I have a testimony of the Atonement. I know that it can be drawn upon for comfort, for understanding, and for a lot of love. 

Test.

I am wondering what it looks like when I post from my phone. Will it keep my default fonts and settings?

My last day of work.

My other last day of work.

Napping with Gabriel.

And I really can't wait to move in with this cutie. 

Catching up: via a letter to Max

Dear Maxie-Poo,

I'm sorry I haven't written you a letter for awhile. Mom always tells me when she is sealing an envelope and I begin writing you a letter, and it is consistently left unfinished. Not today.

Right now, all is well and peaceful at home. Dad and Jens and Grace and Ash and Anna and Jack are at Anderson Camp. That leaves you in Mexico. And only me and Mom and Gabriel at home. It is so quiet. And clean. Too quiet and clean, if you ask me. But it is nice everyonceinawhile. <-- Yes, that is one word. I don't remember much about Anderson Camp because I think I was 6 or 7 the last time I was privileged enough to attend. Mom and I just returned home from dinner at Robintino's- all by ourselves. I felt bad leaving for work this morning because she had no company except Gabriel.

Speaking of work... My last day at Gordon's Copyprint happened this week, on Tuesday. Surprisingly, I was very sad! J finally did get fired and he was the only things about that job I didn't really like, so I will miss it there.  Also, my last day of City Recreation (tennis and kid's kamp) was today. So sad. Now I won't have anything to do until I move down to Provo. Which, in case you were wondering, is in 24 DAYS!!!!!!!!!! Holy Hannah I am so excited. I already have a job lined up down there- working in the Admissions Office as a receptionist, 14 hrs a week. it's going to be perfect. Bekah and I have all sorts of wonderful plans. Did I tell you about my roommates? 2 of them are from Texas. The others haven't responded to any emails.

Mom says I can't use more than one page, so now I have to use a pen that won't bleed through the paper. Holy cow, Max. This summer has been so long, yet somehow just flown by. I feel weird being in this limbo stage because it feels like a lifetime ago that I graduated high school but I am so close to college. Ya know?

I have been on a hecka lot of dates lately. 19 in 4 weeks. It's so fun! Haha and a little bit ridiculous. I have been wondering at what point will I stop thinking about S and comparing all these boys I meet to him? Hasn't happened yet. But...it is getting a little difficult to write S because he hardly gives me any response. Like he'll reply pretty regularly, but never more than a few words. Laaamme. I don't really know why. He is just trying to use his time in the best/most effective way as a missionary? He doesn't care about me? He doesn't remember he cares about me? Oh well. Not a huge deal.

I keep looking around at the munchkins who live here... I mean, our family, and thinking about how weird it will be to not be around them all the time. I am excited to get out of Mom's chore rotation. I think that's the only thing I am excited about leaving. The rest I will miss. And the rest of my excitement is just for the new things in Provo, not because I am just dying to leave home. In fact, I am heartbroken over leaving home. I have had to say goodbye to so many dear friends over the last year- leaving me for missions and college... It's so weird when it is my turn, people are saying goodbye to me. You know? Just a part of life, I s'pose.

Life is good.  Life is weird. Sometime I feel like I am just pretending and waiting for real life to begin. I love you so much and hope all is going well.  I talk to someone almost everyday about what a wonderful missionary you are. You teach me every week even though we are so far apart. I love you.

Your adoring little sister,

nena